Can We Ever Truly Be Satisfied In A Relationship?

What we truly want is to become Authentically Ourselves--to live in awareness of our True Self. To discover who we truly are is our purpose in life. The ego always wants what it doesn’t have. That’s its nature. That’s how it stays in control. It keeps us always searching for something better. Satisfaction never comes from anything outside ourselves, it starts from within and then we attract from that place satisfying experiences. We will always have issues with others until we resolve our own issues. Then and only then will we be open to truly satisfying relationships. Others irritate us only if we are expecting them to make us happy. We bring into our lives our own joy. No one gives it to us.

Everything changes moment by moment and to practice loving what is, to just accept things as we see them, begins to soften the stranglehold of the ego. What we practice is what we get. If we keep practicing being dissatisfied with others we will keep attracting others with whom to be dissatisfied. If we practice acceptance then we start to attract people who resonate with us on a deeper level--those who are easy to accept. Practicing acceptance of what is brings us into authenticity. When we begin to truly love ourselves and are not “in need” we will attract a truly satisfying relationship. Then we will know it is what we want.

ASKING THE UNIVERSE

While dining at my friend’s house recently, I expressed how happy I was that a family reunion to celebrate our mother's birthday went so smoothly and lovingly. I mentioned to my friend that I had concerns prior to the reunion because my mother and sister have had a long history of disharmony and suffering. My reluctance to go had heightened when I noticed my sister, who had come to my house two days prior to the reunion, was still harboring some resentment toward our mother. I told my friend that the night before going to our mother’s house, I informed my sister that if she still felt angry toward our mom that I would prefer to let her go alone and that I would celebrate next week with mom. Then upon retiring, I asked the Universe to bring about a cleansing between my mom and sister, (Ho'oponopono). Voila! the next morning, my sister (after having read from Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is") woke up with a realization that she could just drop the story and let it all go. My friend replied, “Jarl, that was you, you did that, not the Universe." I explained to her that I realize the Universe and I are one and the same, yet I prefer to say, “the Universe did it” so my ego does not attach to the “miracle” and trip out. This way I feel gratitude rather than pride. I was not quite sure that we were actually saying the same thing, although we kept saying the same thing, like, “You are the Universe, I am the Universe." So, for my own sake and for the sake of clarity, (a glass of wine or two had us all talking at once.) I would like to explain what I meant.

When I say, "the Universe and I are one and the same", I mean that, prior to and including the conditioning that I have gathered since birth, I am the Universe experiencing itself as a Jarl. This very unique conditioning which has layered itself upon the Truth of who I Am, has been so intriguing that I have become identified with it, as it. This identification as I see it, is a very necessary and unavoidable step in the process of awakening. In order to "Know Thyself", it is necessary to separate or step out of the Self to see the Self. This separation and subsequent reunion seems to me the purpose of life. I view life as the One Life Power individuating into seemingly separate entities, "us”, in order to experience itself. Our individual lives mirror that process in order to experience the Truth of who we are: the One Life Power having an experience of Itself.

We are two, the ego/conditioned self and the True Self, until we awaken to the Truth of our Oneness. The yin/yang symbol gives a visual image of this concept. The outer circle represents the whole, the Truth. The two equal sides represented by black and white with the opposite found within each side, demonstrates the existence of the polarities. In order to describe or label anything, we must have an opposite with which to compare. To have black, there must be white. To have male, there must be female. To have wrong, there must be right, to have goodness, there must be the bad, and on it goes. Within this polarity we live our lives and experience our preferences. I like this I don’t like that, etc. We become identified with these preferences as who we are. This identification, being polarized on one side or the other, is what causes our suffering. The True Self exists as the outer ring of the circle. That is, it encompasses the whole and resides in the balance, the curvy line in between, being aware of the poles and yet not identified with either, just enjoying the interplay. When we think something is bad or good, wrong or right, etc. we are polarized on one side or the other, out of balance, and out of Truth. I’m not saying this is wrong, it’s life as we live it, just not the Truth, not the whole picture.

When I see something as out of harmony, as I did my sister and mother, I’m seeing from my conditioned ego, which has its preferences and judgments. When what I see causes me suffering, I know I am out of alignment with Truth and coming from my ego. If I desire to see it from Truth and get out of the suffering, I ask the Universe, my True Self (Me) to align the ego-identified self (me) with Truth. That’s when the “miracle” happens and I see harmony, joy, love and peace.

I am the one who is asking and I am the one who is asked, and yet to acknowledge the two, the separation, brings me from ego-identification into the awareness of the ONE-ness. It works for me.

What do I do with these thoughts, pretend they don't exist?

Valencia asks: I have been practicing positive thinking and exploring opportunities for change and have been doing better with giving up control and having faith that the universe will provide. However, today I realized that although I am making progress I feel in danger of failing because of the negative thoughts about financial disaster that are beginning to haunt me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Pretend these thoughts don't exist? Put more time into meditation?

Jarl Says: It is great that you are in this place because it is an opportunity for you to explore feelings that have surfaced which are in the way of you having what you desire. These fear feelings have to be acknowledged and seen for what they truly are, the ego trying to keep you identified with it. When you see these feelings for what they are and choose to cultivate thoughts that are in alignment with what you really desire, you come into alignment with your Authentic Self. That Self is always in peace and in joy. Please don't cultivate the worry thoughts, it never ever does any good, it only reinforces your subconscious mind to keep creating situations to bring you more fear.

I came across the Japanese word for fear, "osore", in an article written by Yasuhiko Genku Kimura, the founder of Vision In Action. He says, "Osore signifies the misalignment of the self of the individual with the Self of the universe. "O" denotes the sacred thread that connects one’s soul with the Oversoul of the universe, while "sore" denotes the state of disconnection or dislocation from and misalignment with that sacred thread. Osore therefore signifies the errant mode of being wherein one’s soul has gone astray, having lost the original connection and alignment with the Oversoul of the universe."

That really says it! Just know that when you are feeling fearful, you are out of alignment with the sacred thread that supports your every move whether you are aware of it or not. We (the egoic part of us identified with our conditioning who thinks we are separate from others) are truly not the doers! We are being done through. The ego just loves to narrate everything and say it is doing it. Years ago, I had the opportunity to consciously experiment with what it would be like if I dropped all notions of what I "should" be doing and see what it would be like to actually live as if I were not the doer. I consciously stopped "doing" my life. I mean really from moment to moment just watched what I was "moved" to do, no plans, other than the prior commitments like classes, no strategies, just letting myself be moved by whatever moves me. I started out just sitting until something moved me. Within no time, I had to get up and pee, so I did. Then the phone rang and someone asked me to come over and do something. So I did. Then it was time to go. I got in the car and just watched where I was, in the moment, moved to turn...I can't tell you how busy I became just doing what I was moved to do. That is when my design business started. I had no plan for that or even any idea or notion of it. It just happened and keeps going without my doing anything other than what I'm asked to do or moved to do, in the moment. And life is doing me in the way that is in alignment with my inner nature. I'm doing everything right now that I love to do. Nothing more. My weekly "obligations" are completely in alignment with what I love to do. I say yes to something if it feels right to me, and no to what doesn't feel right. I keep my word easily that way. Because, what I'm doing is what I want to be doing, I feel like a "time millionaire". My work and play are all the same.

The key is: trust in the moment which always has all the information you need, follow your hearts desire, and keep those fear thoughts in check. Tell them, "thanks for sharing, Bubeye!"

Ego versus True Self

Valencia: I think my ego is telling me that I shouldn't even bother to create anything that isn't original and genius. Why do I have so much invested in being a genius? Why can't I just be who I am and enjoy that? Sometimes I am a genius, sometimes I am a fool. That's the truth of it. My ego seems to be telling me I am never good enough, never good enough, never good enough. That belief drains me and stops me from doing things that will refresh my soul so it's a vicious cycle. I think my ego has had too much power and has been sucking my energy badly for years. It's just a matter of balance I think...I need to find a healthier balance of power with my ego.
Can I stop thinking that I need to do something bigger and more profound? I can hear you say, just let that go?. I would like to. You know, I think my ego has been zapping my energy and making my soul sick!

Jarlsays: As far as your ego goes, there is no healthy balance, YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR EGO AND THAT'S THAT. There can't be balance. That's like saying you need to balance out the power structure between you and your dog. You are the boss! The ego is your servant. Tell it so. The ego wants to control and will go to any lengths to stay in control. It usually resorts to scaring and shaming you. Not because it's bad, that's just it's nature. The ego is right about one thing: when you are identified with it, you are not a genius. YOU have to tell it how to behave. No deals. Just kick it's ass into shape. Tell it "thanks for sharing, now go to sleep while I handle this with the big guns" Then ask your True Self to send you genius ideas and create from that place.

We are all geniuses in truth because we are all connected to Divine Intelligence and that's where genius comes from. The only true genius is Divinely Inspired. I turn everything over to the Big Kahuna before I create anything. I can never create anything cool from my little self. As soon as the ego steps in, I get stupid. When you know you are not the creator, that the creation is just coming through you, it takes all the pressure off and you are just totally grateful and graceful, neither ego tripping nor ego identified. The ego is a very uncreative little twit, although clever. Any great master will say they were just the channel for the work to come through. Keep turning it over to your True Self and watch the difference.

The ego is really a much happier camper when you keep it under control. Just like a kid needs to know the boundaries....so does the ego. That's what the whole "surrender" idea is all about. It's surrendering the ego (small self) to the True Self. The ego thinks it knows everything, but is fearful. That's how you know you are in it's grips. The True Self experience is when you feel joy, gratitude, love and trust. It takes practice to stay in the experience of the True Self. It's a continual surrendering and feels weird at first. But, I swear to you, it is far more fabulous to live a surrendered life than the fearful, small life of the mini me.
Ok girlfriend? Love you, Jarl

Surrender

We live our lives based in fear. We are exploited and controlled because of and by this fear. Why is this? It all stems from the illusion that we are the drivers in this vehicle we inhabit and through which we experience the world of manifestation. Somewhere deep within, we know that we don’t have all the information at our disposal to make the decisions necessary to live our lives based on our true desires. At least that is what the little mind thinks and it is quite accurate. This keeps us feeling unsettled and uneasy about our future, which we feel we must design or prepare for. But the Truth is, we do have all the information at our disposal, just not from the part of our consciousness through which we normally see the world and use for all our strategizing.

One day I was driving in my car (literally) and I heard a voice inside my head say, “If you will just let go and let me handle everything, I will do such a better job you will be absolutely amazed.” Well, I was already pretty amazed just to hear that voice let alone the promise, so I decided to actually try it. At this point in time, I was already familiar with the concept of surrender. I had been to the brink once before when I had no other choice than to throw my hands up in the air, absolutely lost to solutions regarding what felt like the most important aspect of my life. The result was an almost immediate movement from desperation to a sense of effortless flow. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Solutions I would never have thought of were not only appearing in my realm of consciousness, but I was effortlessly moving on them as if a power larger than me was carrying me fearlessly along. I was in flow. This lasted for a few months when I slipped back into my strategies and began life as usual again. Then about two years later I heard the voice while driving, for no apparent reason. I decided to listen and bow to the invitation of surrender again, this time from a place of conscious choice rather than desperation. What followed was an ever-increasing sense of wonder and awe and a deeper alignment with my true purpose and joy.

Surrender is a concept, which is not held favorably by the ego and for good reason. Fortunately we have two selves. The True Self, which we are born as, and the egoic self made up and conditioned by our perceived experiences. The egoic self is very necessary as it is from this separated sense of self that we are able to realize the True Self. It is as if we need to go out and look back to see whom we are. The problem is that we get caught out there in the illusion. The ego does whatever it can to keep us caught in order to stay in charge. But we are far more than the mini me we feel ourselves to be.

From the conditioned point of view we don’t see the big picture. At any moment in time we are looking at just a small piece of the painting. We may be looking at an ugly black glob. Or we may see a beautiful golden streak. What we see affects us depending on our past conditioning. Some of us have such an unpleasant experience in the separated identification that a spontaneous awakening to Truth occurs out of sheer despair. Some of us have glimpses of Truth and the curiosity pulls or drives us to realization. Some of us exist stubbornly in the delusion despite hints pointing otherwise. And then some of us are just asleep and never question. When we come into conscious awareness that we are seeing and reacting to only a limited point of view, we can loosen our grip on the story we are telling ourselves.

Surrender is the way to realization of the true master within. The true master awaits the invitation. The invitation is the surrender. It is in surrender that the struggle ends and joy begins. When we come into conscious awareness and surrender to the True Self whose view is complete, we experience an effortless alignment with our desires, and trust in the process of life unfolding perfectly as it should. We can then relax in knowing we are completely safe and enjoy the glorious ride.